Hello

We went to the appointment with the Cardiologist on Monday as scheduled. The final results are Brent has Cardiomyopathy which is a big word for Heart Failure. It is not at a state where it is serious or life threatening but it is still there. He will have to take Lisinopril and Coreg daily for the next few years and be monitored monthly for awhile. We are both a little scared and unsure of the future but well the Dr said not to worry so we are going to do what he says.

The medications are used for 2 different purposes the Lisinopril dialates the blood vessels and the Coreg makes the heart beat slower and regulates blood pressure mixed together they are supposed to allow his heart to heal and beat stronger. The totally fucked thing is that all of this was caused by a virus....yes you did read that right a virus. We are not sure of what one but it does seem weird that he came down with Influenza B and has been sick for the past 8 days with a fever over 103 at times. I am not sure if that could have caused it but is a possibility.

He was on bed rest this past week and did pretty good except for Thursday when I worked he snuck out of the house and went to work. I guess the manager of Casey's a few blocks from our house told him he was crazy and she was telling on him. I know he regretted it because friday we ended up napping all day and then just watched TV for date night and slept. We are so exciting. I did let him go to work at the casino today and he was missing me and called a hundred times. He works at a casino on Sundays to help a friend who owns it out otherwise she would have to work 7 days a week. It is easy so I figured he could go. He goes back to his regular job monday. We will see how he does.

We are in the countdown for moving now we were going to start Tuesday but I think we are going to wait and move on the 1st of May. The kids will then only have 10 days of school at the new school and I switch to nights on the 15th for the entire summer I will go back to days in August when the kids go back.

I do not look forward to nights but it saves me 300 a week in daycare. If I worked days I would be paying another person 1200 to spend time with the kids and that sucks. I was thinking of doing daycare that was fun but I have found that not many parents want to spend money on making sure their kids are safe all the calls I have gotten have been regarding $$$ and if I would go any cheaper. I figure if the parents are only worried about the money then they can go to the ghetto and find some mom who is cheap and does not give a shit about the kids. I will be taking mine to the water slides and the pools all summer plus making good money still.

The kids are doing good and excited about moving, I am overwhelmed by all the shit that needs to be done prior to us moving but oh well my lovely house awaits.

Sorry this post is like a bad holiday newsletter I hate the newsy posts some do but here I am guilty of doing also oh fucking well......

Melissa

Well it has been a week that is for sure. Thank you all for checking in and for the prayers it means alot.

I am going to get up on my soap box for a minute here and tell all my female readers that your health is something that is very important most of us are mommas, wives, sisters & daughters we tend to put ourselves last.

You need to know that can be a very dangerous thing. My friend Toni who passed away was diagnosed and died from cancer all within 15 days.

Can you imagine that 15 days....there were some warning signs like the serious weight loss and you all know that after 25 losing weight is like chiseling concrete off your ass that fat just wants to hang out and spend its golden years with your butt cheeks. Toni lost almost a 100 lbs in a year doing NOTHING....ladies it may sound like a miracle but it is not. She also complained of no appetite and abdominal pain all something we experience but if it lasts longer than a week or so go see your doctor.

Toni's pathology reports came back on monday during the palliative care conference and the results were unbelieveable. The specemins were sent to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN and came back she had 3 different kinds of cancer. 3 KINDS!!! 2 different types of Ovarian and Pancreatic Cancer.

God Speed Sexy Mama I will miss you

*You see the chin tilt that was her thing doesn't she look proud?

I guess God had big plans for her and was hedging his bets. I do not know what else to think

The past few days have sucked enormous donkey dick. I received a call from my mom on Wednesday that a good friend of mine was in the hospital for surgery to remove a mass on her ovary and when the Dr opened her up they found cancer everywhere. I have not seen my friend Toni in awhile but have talked to her on the phone the last time being in the beginning of Feb and she said nothing to me about being sick….not a damn word except that she had lost a bunch of weight and was really busy with her restaurant but not a damn word about not feeling good.


It seems from the conversations I have had with her daughters she did not say much to them either.

The sad thing is she is dying and right now is in the hospital strapped to a bed on a ventilator fighting to recover enough from surgery to only be told she is dying…..this is tearing me apart. The docs have told her children that they are surprised that she has lasted this long…..the docs do not know her very well she is stubborn and has the soul of a gladiator. I am sad that she did not take care of herself the way she takes care of everyone else. Sometimes you have to put yourself first she has never learned that.


Toni is one of those people that either you love her or you want to beat her we had the perfect love/hate relationship. I worked with her for 2 years and I swear the first 6 months she would have loved to kick my ass because I am such a smart ass. I got my ass chewed many a time for being a “asshole” as she likes to call me. I used to tell her I was gonna take her down and she would just give this look that would make me feel a bit guilty but also make me say something else that was equally politically incorrect. She has some back problems and used to say Oh I am dying from the pain and I would tell her no way woman only the good die young. I have great memories of her. I will be honest I think she could read me like a book, the first time I cried in front of her she laughed at me and told me to stop faking cause my cold hearted ass did not have tears to spare. I love that about her the no holds barred honesty and I am a cold hearted bitch tears are not my thing at all.

Sitting with her family at the hospital yesterday someone made a comment about her being a bitch and I more than likely stuck my size 8 right in my mouth by responding “Well that is who she is” in all honesty she is. She will tell you to Fuck off like she was saying its going to rain today. There is not a damn mean bone in her body and that makes her bitchy-ness a good quality. I have a lot of respect for her and the way she choose to live her life by her standards and fuck you all if you had a problem with it.

Please do me a favor and say a prayer for her daughters, grandkids and all the other people that love her. They could use all the help talking to the man upstairs and I will also ask that you pray for Toni to pass from this world to the next pain free and knowing she is loved.

Love,
Melissa

Post surgical day 1

My Boys taking care of mama after surgery my spot was where the heating pad is...don't they look cute? Mouths open snoring like chainsaws it was great. BTW we still have not set the date stamp on the camera

Post surgical day 2....look he thinks I am number one!!

The desecration of my poor belly button.

There are some little known facts about me in the pictures the biggest one being I am a ink junkie I love tattoos nice ones, little ones, whimsy ones

My back that was done by Nei Ruffino you have seen her work if you have ever bought a My Little Pony she is the colorist for their packaging and she also does INCREDIBLE comic book color her work if Freaking Awesome. This is my lower back.

The stars are on the back of my neck.

The daisy on my left arm.

My handsome bald boy looking a bit dirty.

Thats It for tonight sorry for just throwing some pictures out and nothing good but I am tired and I have to work at 6am.

Love,

Melissa

Tonight I am sitting here while my family sleeps trying to find some words to write in the guestbook of a young lady that has been in my thoughts for the past few months. I wrote here in October about a young Memphis woman who was diagnosed with cervical cancer and the odds were not very good for her. That sounds so trite and does not even touch what I feel about her outcome or the though of her losing her battle when I have just won mine.

I am so sad for her, sad for her daughter she will never see grow up, sad for her parent & siblings, sad for her friends and all the people who she has touched in her brief life. I am just torn up inside, I cannot even find the words to write in her guestbook so they know they are in my thoughts.

I am usually good with this my friends say I have a knack for having the right words, for Stephanie I do not there is nothing I could write that would actually convey what is in my heart.

I am having trouble with just this post it is hard to type when there are tears in the way I want to say this….never in my life has someone who I have never spoken a word to touched my heart like she has, strength, courage, love and un wavering faith in the Lord during a time when most would have lost faith she is that person most of us look at and think there is no way someone actually has all those qualities but she does. A sense of humor that even now I smile thinking of her prayers for poop and her honesty about her illness and what Gods plan is for her.

In the past weeks her mother has been updating her journal and I honestly believe Stephanie is the person she is because of her momma. I am honored to have been able to read the updates she has written and in them you can feel the strength, courage, love & faith she has, it is soul touching. I do not know this woman but she has touched my soul and given me something…a gift you may say she and Stephanie have brought that glimmer of faith back into my life and made me look at my relationship with God….let’s just say we have not been on a first name bases in about 2 years. I am working on changing that with a little help.

Today I went to read the new journal entry and saw that Stephanie is not doing good………holding on strong but her body is just slowly letting go and I realized I am not ready for her to go. I have learned so much from her in the past 4 months I am not ready for her journey to end……..that is why I cannot find the words to write to say anything and I am not ready to say goodbye.

I am sore and super bloated right now that is why there have been no new posts this weekend. I have been laying on the couch for the past 3 days being taken care of by my boys. Little man and Hubby have been good to me keeping me company and watching TV with me. We have watched the movie 300 2 times I cannot get enough of those fine warriors meow love it. I did get out of the house and went to a movie yesterday Alvin and the Chipmunks which was pretty funny in my drug induced state. This whole weekend is actually a bit blurry the damned Vicoprofen I am taking makes me a bit loopy and sleepy.

I will post a bit more in a few days sorry I am boring but I am recovering slowly but surely and for real I am having some serious pain makes it hard to be funny.

M

Cancer FREE!!!

Can you say it? I am cancer free, for the first time in 1 year 2 months 9 days I can say that.

Tommorow I will wake up for my first cancer free day just saying that makes me want to cry.

The Dr was able to use the co2 laser to get clean margins on all sides and below now we just pray that when I have my 4 week pap there is nothing new growing.

I am home tonight we arrived home about 2, Sue was here with the kids and Traci came out and burned me some movies to watch....I think she needed to be here for herself as much as me I know that sounds funny but my Traci needs to do stuff in situations like this....she even brought me some food including a small Frosty. I went to bed and passed out cold from the pain meds I sleep up until bout half hour ago when the meds started to wear off. Not good...need to stay in front of it.

I have 3 inscions in the belly including a big one in my belly button which is full of dried blood for some reason I bleed alot today. When they removed the IV and taped up my hand I attempted to put on my bra and felt a gush down my back the IV site had a blow out and was seriously pumping out blood like I gashed an artery through the cotton balls, bandages and threw the tissues I grabbed quick to wipe it. Not good.

I will post some more tommorow and I have pictures that the Dr gave Brent to show him why I have so much pain I will scan them in and show'em off. They are pretty an upclose and personal veiw of my interior organs kidneys, bladder, uterous, tubes, ovaries & spine.

Night,

Mel